I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
