Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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