every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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