I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
