..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
