NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
