I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
