I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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