She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize