I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
