No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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