Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
But break dance skills will only take you so far
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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