It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
