I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
