his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
