Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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