Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
