im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
