I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize