got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize