I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
