Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
