Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
