I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
