i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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