How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
