take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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