I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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