woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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