There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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