Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
