She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
