SEEEEXXX PLEASE
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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