Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
