So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
