Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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