R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize