i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
