my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your shirt... Was in my pants
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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