There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize