You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
