Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize