I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
