let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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