i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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