I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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