history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
