Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Cover your peen. We're going out.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
