I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize