Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
