Will you blow on my dice?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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