Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
