Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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