When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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