Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
