I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
