'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize