Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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