The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
