My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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