So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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