Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
